You're My Wonderwall
by kim-p86
Summary: Post Season 5.Meredith and Derek after George's death. Short fic.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith opened the door to her house, her feet dragging over the rug in the passage way as she heard the glass door click shut passively. She dropped her bag next to the table, and walked into the living room, seeing Derek sitting on the couch, reading a book.

"Hey…" She sighed, sitting next to him, putting her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes in exhaustion, wishing that her heart felt lighter when she was with Derek, although it didn't. It still sat in her chest heavily, like some foreign object that shouldn't have been there.

It wasn't because of Derek. He had been great. But it hadn't been the same for the past two months. The 'fab five' had now become the tragic trio. Izzie was still having aggressive IL-2 chemo having miraculously come back to life after the chief ignored the DNR, but everyone knew she probably wouldn't make it back to work. And George- it had been eight weeks since George had died, and that hadn't gotten any easier to deal with. Meredith didn't like to think about it- none of them did, they were all in a denial.

"Hey…" Derek whispered, kissing her head and leaning his cheek against it. He closed his book, and reached for her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers tightly as he squeezed. "How's Izzie today?"

"She's better…" Meredith replied tiredly. "The chemo is still kicking her ass. And she's still depressed about George. But then we all are… I wish I wasn't the one to tell her, I wish someone else would have to relive that moment where they made her life more crappy than it already is.

_Meredith paced outside Izzie's room, biting her thumbnail of one hand and running the other through her hair. She took a deep breath, and turned the handle to Izzie's room, pictures of grinning brides and hypothetical honeymoon destinations still stuck on the walls. Her sneakers squeaked against the floor quietly as she came to a stop at the foot of the bed, looking at Izzie's pale, drawn face as the cancer fatigued her fighting body. They had managed to save her, and they had just weaned her off the sedation, forty eight hours after she arrested. _

_The news of George's death had been too much for Alex to tell Izzie, but after much coaxing from Derek, Alex had gone home to freshen up and sleep. A non-verbal conversation between Meredith and Derek was relayed through a series of meaningful looks as they tried to make it easier on her friends. Derek could sympathize with Alex as the loved one, and Meredith could do the same with Izzie as a patient. Meredith had volunteered herself to tell Izzie about George, but now she was there, the words didn't come to her head._

"_Mer…" Izzie smiled weakly as her eyes opened, before they fluttered shut again. "Hi."_

"_Hi Iz." Meredith said, hearing her voice break already. "How are you feeling?"_

"_Like…I've been hit by a bus." Izzie attempted to joke._

_Meredith bit her lip to prevent the sob that was creeping up her throat, and quickly wiped away her tears before Izzie opened her eyes again. Izzie's choice of words were beyond ironic- people used that analogy all the time, and it seemed even more cruel that in their case, it actually happened to one of them._

"_Iz..Izzie…" Meredith began, clearing her throat. "…I've got some bad news…"_

"_What now?" Izzie sighed tiredly. "Are there some more mets? Is the IL-2 not working?"_

"_No…no, it's George- he…he was in an accident…" Meredith shook her head, cursing herself for not doing this better. This was her job- she delivered bad news all the time, like it was nothing, she knew all the generic phrases that you said even though you knew it didn't make anyone feel better like 'there was nothing anyone could have done' and 'I'm sorry'. But this was one of their own. " George died, Iz."_

_It played out like slow motion. Izzie licked her lips, and her eyes opened slowly, her brown eyes looking right at Meredith's green ones. "I had a feeling…" Izzie whispered._

_Meredith stepped forward, grabbing Izzie's hand, as her friend squeezed back weakly, tears forming at the corners of her eyes and rolling slowly down the side of her face, blotting onto the lavender pillow case. "When I was coding… I had a dream."_

_Meredith's eyes widened. That weird place where you weren't dead and weren't alive didn't just exist in her head. She wasn't as crazy as she thought she was._

"_I had a dream that I was on the elevator, in that pink prom dress, and the doors opened to George standing there in his army uniform. He was looking at me, his eyes telling me to go with him. He was waiting for me, to go into the light…but Alex- I have Alex, so I pushed the button and closed the doors. Maybe I could have pulled George in the elevator with me, and he'd still be here with us. And now I sound crazy…" Izzie began to cry, her body too exhausted to move with wrenching sobs, so all she could manage was ugly, loud wailing._

_Meredith put her arms around her friend and cried with her, remembering her own time in purgatory, where she had to decide to live. Being strong for Izzie broke Meredith inside a little bit more. She couldn't deal with the thought there was something more they could have done medically for her friend, she couldn't help but think that if she had taken more time to work out what he was trying to say, and she found out it was George sooner, they could have done something more. And rationally, Meredith knew she was there as much for John Doe as she would have been for George O'Malley, but the guilt still wracked her body._

Derek had realised how much George's death had affected her, making her more upset than her own mother's death. But those interns had a special bond together, something that had seemed unbreakable. Five strangers had become family- cohesive through their troubled times, through ectopic pregnancies, failed exams, dying fiancés and parents, drownings and bomb explosions, and now five had become three. And Derek wasn't sure time would ever heal the wound George's death had created.

When she had drowned and nearly died, Bailey had told Meredith that she was the glue holding the group together, and that if she died, the others may never have survived it. But they were all in it together, like dominoes- if one fell, they'd all fall down. There were reminders of George everywhere, the pictures on the mantle, she was sure there was still some ice cream he bought lying in the freezer, and the world was still turning without him in it.

Meredith felt her chest move up and down against Derek's- against all odds, she was breathing, she had two near misses, and George didn't survive. Tears came to Meredith's eyes every time she thought about that day, about their plan to have an intervention and stop him from going to war-torn Iraq, but ironically, it would be a bus in Seattle that would kill him, not shelling in the Middle East. But it was almost the same- he died being a good Samaritan.

"When will it feel better?" Meredith asked Derek, her voice breaking as tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes, burying her face into the soft cotton of Derek's shirt.

She remembered what the chief said that first day as she slipped into the OR unnoticed.

'_Each of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago, you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today... you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play, that's up to you.'_

He didn't say one would get cancer. He didn't say one of them would die in a tragic accident. The blood in Meredith's body ran cold as she thought of that first encounter with George, where she, like the woman he saved , looked right through him, didn't even see him there, trying to be nice, sweet, kind George that she loved. He said he would never hurt her, he said what she wanted to hear, and she did the wrong thing by him. But all the men in her life had been such bastards up until that point, choosing other women apart from her, whether they were fathers or boyfriends, that maybe what she was looking for was staring her right in the face. She knew that was wrong now- that George was never meant to be her lover, that he was supposed to be that one guy you could love but didn't love sexually. He was George. And now he was gone.

He shifted so that he could hold her, both of his arms surrounding her as she silently cried. What was he supposed to tell her? That the pain she felt would never go away? This was the risk you took every time you loved someone- you gave them a piece of your heart that you would never get back. It didn't matter if you loved them like a partner, or as a brother, the concept was the same. Opening yourself up to someone and allowing them to be close was a gamble. Sometimes you won and sometimes you lost. There would be good days she'd feel guilty for, and there would be bad days where nothing seemed like it would get better, and that even if time healed all wounds, they would still leave her with a huge scar.

Meredith was so strong, and yet so fragile all at the same time. When Meredith broke down like this, Derek wasn't quite sure if what he was doing was good enough- if he was good enough. At times like this, just being there didn't seem to be what Meredith needed, and she'd fall apart in front of him, just managing to piece herself back together for work in the morning. He held her until she stopped crying, telling her it would be alright even though he didn't know if it would be. There was no running away, he would be there for all of it with her, he pledged that right there on that blue post-it. He had scribbled his promise of a lifetime to Meredith on that post-it, which had since lost it's stick, and was still securely fastened to the back of Meredith's locker with medical tape.

Derek had helped her up the stairs to bed that night, as he did every night she broke down. At first, they were frequent, the cloud of depression following Alex, Cristina and Meredith everywhere they went, but now, there were more good days than bad. He had expected to see George turn the corner himself, to come up to him and deliver a report, to be in the room working on a trauma as he got paged to the pit. Admitting that they'd never see George again was hard. He could still remember the day when both he and Meredith had come down to the smell of chocolate muffins, with George offering his taste buds to Izzie's dilemma. O'Malley was just as much part of this house as anyone else.

Derek stayed awake as Meredith slept fitfully- her sleep was so light she wasn't snoring. He knew how the nightmares would play out as they had many times before, how Meredith would cry out and gasp for air, scrunching her hands into fists. He stared up at the ceiling, seeing the streaks of grey from the streetlights outside reflect on the white paint as the rain pelted against the window in a lilting rhythm. He just didn't know what came after her dream, how to make the dream go away, and that's what kept him awake at night.

Meredith could still feel that shaky finger trace her palm, those blue eyes boring into hers as he wrote _'0…0…7' _repeatedly into her hand. Every time she thought about it, she relived that moment, where the stomach acid rose up her throat and she had to swallow it down, burning, as she ran through the halls.

"George!" Meredith gasped into the night air, jerking awake. She clutched at her neck, breathing noisily as she tried to get air in her lungs as the image of George's eyes sparkle as she worked out who he was faded from her imagination. The darkness of her room blurred into her vision as she reached for Derek, who already had his arms around her whispering non-descript comforting words in her ears as she held onto him tightly.

They lay together in silence, both awake, both thinking to themselves in the middle of the night. The lack of words strangely comforted Meredith- it had been said already. It had become a frequent routine for them now. Meredith could feel Derek's heartbeat as her head rested against his chest, his fingers running through her hair soothingly. She hugged him tighter, sighing. "I can't do this anymore, Derek…I'm not coping at all."

"I know…" Derek whispered.

His fingers tightened around her side as he wondered what she should do. He thought of suggesting her going back to see Dr. Wyatt for a few sessions, if it helped with their problems, it could help her with anything. Maybe she was too worried of burdening Derek with it all, maybe she thought he was too close to the situation too. He liked George, he appreciated he was there to deal with picking up Meredith after he chose Addison. He should have told him he was grateful for that, he should have done a lot of things.

"I just don't get a break. When I'm in hospital, I see him everywhere, people look at me with those sad sympathetic eyes that don't let me forget George is gone. And then at night, when I come home, he's here too, and it's only you here to try and make me forget George is never coming back. At least if he went to Iraq, there would be a chance we'd see him again, but knowing I'll never see him again, and everything is replaying in my mind when I'm awake, when I'm asleep- I'm just so exhausted." Meredith inhaled shakily, and Derek could feel fresh tears wet his t-shirt. They were tears of frustration, of sadness and loss, and Derek knew they would still be there unless they did something.

"We should go away." Derek blurted into the darkness, his words coming out before he had time to process them.

Meredith looked at him, her gasp of surprise breaking the melodic sound of the heavy Seattle rain hitting the roof and window pane. "Where?"

Derek felt encouraged- she didn't just shoot the idea down, she actually wanted to go somewhere, to get away. "Anywhere. Think of it as a honeymoon…" He leaned back against the headboard, bringing her with him as she snuggled up to him.

"Somewhere hot…" Meredith thought out loud. "With a sandy beach, blue sea and cloudless sky, unlimited cocktails…" Meredith's voice became heavy as her eyes drifted shut.

He felt her body fully relax and go limp in his arms as she fell asleep, and he continued to run his fingers through her hair soothingly, glad that he could at least bring her some comfort.

_**Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna give it back to you**_

_**By now you should have somehow realized what you gotta do**_

_**I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now**_

_**Back beat the word is on the street that the fire in you heart is out**_

_**I'm sure you've heard it all before and you've never really had a doubt**_

_**I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now**_

_**And all the roads we have to walk are winding**_

_**And all the lights that lead the way are blinding**_

_**There are many things I'd like to say to you but I don't know how**_

_**I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me**_

_**And after all, you're my wonderwall**_

RYAN ADAMS- WONDERWALL.


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you think of this?" Derek asked Meredith as they sat on the couch, turning his laptop towards her.

Meredith looked up from her book, turning down the corner of the page as a marker, while her eyes scanned the webpage. "It's a private beachfront suite in the Bahamas…" She said, her brow wrinkled in confusion.

Derek smiled at her. "Yes. For our honeymoon…like we talked about last night."

"Umm, I thought you just said it to calm me down…" Meredith said, her eyes wide in shock. "I mean, we can't really go- Alex is barely working even when he's at work, Izzie's not reacting well to the chemo..it's not a good time right now."

Derek took the laptop off his lap and put it onto the coffee table in front of him, running his hand through his hair in frustration, licking his lips and taking a breath before he spoke. "Come on, Meredith!" He sighed. "What did you tell me that day? That there is no other time! That there's always going to be something that we can use as an excuse for not going. But you need this Meredith, to get away from the same four walls and the memories that are haunting you. WE need this. We're newlyweds and we hardly have had any quality time together. Please?"

Meredith closed her eyes, trying to ignore the pleading tone in Derek's voice. He had been wonderful for the past two months- he had been there for every nightmare, he held her every time she cried, didn't complain when she stayed with Izzie late into the night while Alex got some sleep in an on call room. He had accepted he'd see her when he'd see her. But now he was asking her this one thing- something that she wanted too. She couldn't just let her commitment to Derek slip away.

She leaned forward, scrolling down the page. "So…the Bahamas…" She smiled, kissing Derek on the lips. "When can we go?"

Derek raised his eyebrows in disbelief- she actually agreed to it, and was now talking animatedly about taking leave. He put his arm around her, her frame so small as he pulled her into him as she searched up flights. It was a welcome distraction from the troubles that had been plaguing them the past few months, from the unhappiness that shrouded Meredith in a dark cloud.

"It's not a honeymoon, Meredith." Cristina rolled her eyes at her friend as they sat in Izzie's room for lunch.

They made it a daily thing- the always ate meals in Izzie's room now, whether it be lunch on a day shift or dinner on a night shift. She would have gone home in between sessions like normal patients, but the chemo made her feel too ill, and she saw more of her friends when she was at the hospital than if she wasn't.

"It is!" Meredith insisted, mouth full of sandwich.

"You're not married- and before you say it, no, a wrinkled old post it note stuck to the back of your locker is not the same thing. It's not a legally binding document- it's like a shopping list you keep forgetting to take to the grocery store."

"It's real to me." Meredith grumbled.

Was a marriage about the official certificate you held in your hand, or was it about the promises you made to each other? Or was it a combination of those things? Meredith felt married, she had pledged forever, and doing it in front of a justice of the peace wouldn't have made her feel any different about Derek. He was the man whom she wanted to share the rest of her life with. How much more of a husband was that?

"I think it's sweet." Izzie interjected weakly. "You go on the honeymoon, Mer. You deserve it. You gave your wedding to Alex and me, and then the day you wanted to go to city hall…" She trailed off, and the previous light atmosphere in the room descended into a sad tension, as they remembered exactly what happened that day- Izzie and George died, except Izzie came back to life. "I'm just saying. If I could go to the beach, I would. I'd be a loved up newlywed lying in the sun thinking about nothing. Hell, in my hallucinations I was lying on the beach doing nothing. And I looked GREAT in a bikini, that's the only reason I knew it wasn't reality." She laughed weakly, before the tears formed in her eyes. "Except Mer, you should wear sunscreen."

And that was the exact reason why part of Meredith didn't want to go. How could she be happy when one of her best friends was stuck in a hospital bed, IVs and lines coming out of everywhere, knowing her five year survival rate was only ten percent? Going thousands of miles away and lying on a sunny beach wouldn't change that. But maybe that was also the point. If not going didn't prevent Izzie's suffering, then she might as well go. Well- that was Derek's rationale. Something about needing to take time out and do something for yourself instead of for others.

When Derek saw Meredith approaching him in the lobby that evening, she was smiling. A genuine smile like the ones she smiled before all this crap happened. Her hand slipped down and held his tightly as they walked out of the hospital together. Derek had almost forgotten what this Meredith looked like- a Meredith who wasn't overtaken with sadness about her dying and dead friends, she was moving forward from that. She walked with a bounce in her step, and her green eyes shone.

"You're happy this evening…" Derek commented as they climbed into his land rover.

Meredith just shrugged, smiling at him. She felt like she had Izzie's blessing to be happy, for it to be ok not to carry the burden of their loss of losing their friend. It didn't mean that Meredith wasn't sad, the space that George left in her heart would never go away, but she couldn't let it stop her from living. She had her share of misfortune, and now she was one of the lucky ones- she was healthy, she had Derek, and she wasn't scared. So she'd take the week on a sunny beach, and she'd enjoy it even more because she knew how precious those moments were.

They had already experienced the hard times, when they danced around unspoken questions with unspoken answers, not saying what they really meant, loading statements with hidden meanings. Like after she drowned, how Meredith wanted to say everything, but held back…

_**I am alive.**_

_That was the first thought Meredith had in her head as she opened her eyes in the hospital bed. It was dark in the room, the blinds drawn to envelope the twelve foot by twelve foot square into an artificial night-time, but there was just enough of the fluorescent lights from the hallway coming through the chinks in the blinds to make out dim shadows. _

_Her eyes moved in her head as she scanned the room, first looking up to the LCD screen beside her. Her pulse was in a slight sinus brady, probably due to the drugs they were pumping her with, which controlled her BP too- her breathing rate was normal, and she had good O__2__ sats, not bad for someone who wasn't breathing twelve hours previously. She could make out the dim outlines of the IV bags hanging above her head, of the 'get well soon' card Izzie put on her beside, but most prominent of all, she could see the grey shadow of Derek, slumped over the side of her bed, clutching her hand with both of his, gripping it for all it was worth._

_She tried moving her fingers, closing her eyes as the baseline level of pain became excruciating. Now she realised why they had sedated her during the night and dosed her up on painkillers, because on a scale of one to ten, this pain was unbearable. The pain hit her like a bus, and even breathing was difficult. Derek hadn't told her much, only Cristina was the one admitting that anything happened to Meredith at all. She was the one to tell her five of Meredith's ribs were broken, and she was technically dead for two hours. Meredith hadn't even tried moving properly yet, and she was so exhausted she could fall asleep again._

_Her mouth felt like sandpaper, gritty and dry as her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She needed water. There were a number of options- call the nurse to help her, which would cause ripples of gossip to run down the Seattle Grace tree; she could have woken up Derek, but he seemed so drained by it all, she didn't have the heart to; or she could do it herself, and proverbially flip the bird to her pain. She closed her eyes, psyching herself up for the movement, knowing the pain it would bring. Pain was good, pain meant she felt something, pain showed she was alive._

_Her arm moved slowly, negotiating the IV line in her arm as she reached for the glass of water beside her bed. She cringed in pain, her arm feeling as if she were lifting a hundred pound weight, her muscles crying out in agony as she tried to move against gravity. She bit her lip, trying not to scream in pain as her fingers felt for the plastic cup, not even millimetres away. But the pain was too much, and the strength in her arm dissipated into nothing as her arm crashed down, hitting the cup and causing it to fall to the floor, bouncing once, twice three times noisily in the silence of the room as Meredith let out a pathetic yelp._

_Derek's sleep was light yet deep at the same time, the events of the previous day playing out in his mind like a kaleidoscope of scenes, of things he did do, things he didn't, how it could have been different if he did things differently. He heard a crash, and awoke with a start. Was it a door opening? Had something happened to Meredith? He rose to his feet still half-asleep, turning on the light and squinting at the monitors, praying he didn't see a flatline or abnormal trace. Instead, he saw the plastic cup rolling to the corner of the room, and Meredith wincing in pain, clutching at her ribs._

"_Meredith! What were you doing?" Derek scolded as if she were a naughty child._

"_I just wanted some water…" Meredith choked out, watching Derek pick the cup up off the floor and disappear into the bathroom to rinse it before he came back into the room, pouring water in it and holding it for her as she sipped through a straw._

_His look of worry and anger melted into a look of love, as his hand stroked at her forehead and hairline. "I would have gotten the water for you, Mer, I would have gotten anything you wanted…" He answered, his tone much softer and kinder than moments before._

_She blinked at him as she sipped, the straw making gurgling noises as she drank the water. She didn't want to wake him though. He looked as exhausted as she felt. He was in the same clothes as he was the morning before, and dark circles were forming around his eyes, that seemed small and sunken into his skull as he looked at her tiredly._

_In the relief that she was alive, so many things had been left unsaid. She could see the guilt in Derek's eyes, the way he blamed himself for what happened. His hand shakily moved up to her forehead, lovingly winding his fingers into her stringy matted hair as he sighed. She wished she could tell him she loved him, that she came back to life for him, but something was holding her back. She was given a second chance at life, and she was still making the same mistakes she made before._

_But it all felt so difficult to do, and loving someone was supposed to be easy. And being with Derek was easy, in moments like this where nothing else happened. But she couldn't ignore all the other things. He thought she purposely didn't swim because she wanted to die, and her mother died after saying things, mean and horrible things that would stay with her forever. And those things made it difficult for her to say all the things she wanted to say._

_**I love you.**_

_**I don't ever want to live without you.**_

_**You changed my life.**_

_She couldn't admit she felt these things, because it was too scary. And yet it was everything Derek wanted to hear. Derek felt Meredith's skin underneath his fingertips, still unable to believe that she was there, breathing in front of him. Maybe if had said he wanted to get married to her, she would have tried to swim. Maybe if he had picked her in the first place, she would have had no reason to doubt him. He was responsible for the woman he loved for being so strong, looking so weak in that hospital bed, unable to pick up a glass of water. He had to breathe for her._

What had once felt so difficult had become easy. She was able to tell him she didn't agree with Izzie's surgery that day, and could tell him it's because she couldn't bear to watch her be a shell of a person like her mother was, and knew that they could still get married even though they disagreed.

"You meant what you wrote on the post-it, right?" Meredith asked him, as he drove through the streets of Seattle.

Derek looked at her, frowning as the car rolled to a stop at the lights. "Every word." He said earnestly. "Why are you asking?" A hint of worry creeping into his voice as he saw the light turn green in the corner of his eye.

"You should just ignore me. It's been a long day, and I'm saying this more out of fatigue than anything else. But I want you to know that I felt that way a long time before we wrote those vows, even when I couldn't say them. I guess it's hard to admit you feel something when you've never known what it feels like."

"There are some things in life that are really as simple as they seem…" Derek replied, smiling at her. Like loving her, even though all the odds were stacked against them- it was still easy. It always was.

"Yeah, that never happened to me. My mother got Alzheimer's and we never got the chance at a real relationship. I just saw this woman who intimidated me and whom I hated just wither away before my eyes, losing everything of what made her who she was. When your personality goes, when what makes them who they are vanishes, it's like they're dead, except there's no closure from it. And I get that you promised me that you'd be there for me if it happened to me, but I know what it's like from the other side, and …I almost love you too much to do that to you…"

Derek's hand reached across and grabbed hers on the armrest, his fingers winding tightly around hers. "Well you know, 'no running' is also in those vows, so I guess we're stuck with each other forever."

"I told you it was the lack of sleep talking. I am so ready for this vacation…" Meredith sighed tiredly, leaning her head against the seat.

-X-

The light breeze from the open doors fanned Meredith's face as she woke up tangled in the pristine white sheets. She stretched lazily, yawning as she looked over to the other side of the bed, looking for Derek. She blinked quickly, her eyes adjusting to the bright sunlight streaming through the thin material of the voile curtains, seeing Derek's figure sitting in a chair on the deck, the other side of the threshold. Meredith searched for her plain black bikini at the end of the bed, putting it on before finding her thin black linen kaftan from her bag before joining Derek on the deck.

"Good Morning…" Derek greeted as he poured her a cup of coffee.

"How long have you been up?" She asked him, mumbling still half asleep.

He looked up from his book, closing it and placing it beside him as Meredith picked at the fruit salad selection he had ordered from room service. "About an hour ago. I forgot to pack ear plugs…"

Meredith threw a grape at him as he began laughing. "You're an ass. Just for that, we're going to go kayaking today, and I'll make you do all the paddling."

They walked along the beach shortly after their lazy lunchtime in the canopied restaurant, indulging in their time together that wasn't sandwiched in between unsocial shift hours, or beeping pagers. It was just them, alone. Derek couldn't recall a time when they had spent so much time together without someone interrupting them, be it Izzie or Cristina, or even Mark, but now it really was just Meredith and Derek, learning to how to co-exist without the drama that followed them everywhere. Derek saw the peace in Meredith's expression as the surf foamed around their feet as the clear water hit the beach. All their problems they had in Seattle seemed left behind in that moment, and all that mattered was the way their hands fitted perfectly.

Yet, Meredith knew that this moment was unrealistically perfect, that this was a memory they would have forever, remembering how unspoiled this snapshot in time was. Life wasn't like this, they'd go back home, and a little magic of what they had here would be lost. They had taken photos, Izzie had demanded it, but it didn't seem like much of a reminder of their holiday.

"Thanks for this, Derek." Meredith sighed happily. "You were right- we needed to have an opportunity to feel happy without feeling guilty as well."

Derek nodded. "We did."

"I don't want it to end… I want more…"

"We can come back any time you want, Mer. We could make it an annual thing- a five day getaway, just you and me." He squeezed her hand affectionately.

Meredith's attempts at trying to make Derek read between the lines wasn't working. She wasn't even sure what she wanted to say, and how she wanted to say it, and at the best of times, she wasn't as articulate verbally as in her thoughts. "I want _more._" She emphasised the last word. "We gave our wedding to Alex and Izzie, and granted, it wasn't our ideal wedding, but I never had an issue with the marriage, just the fanfare of it all. And then when I wanted to go to city hall and get married—well, that day was impossible. And the post-it note was sweet, a really nice gesture amongst the relentless difficulties we faced during the day. And that day, I feel we really did make that important commitment of forever to each other. It was an unofficial interim wedding. But now- now I can get married the way I really want- saying our vows to each other, cocktails in hand while she sun sets in the horizon. You, me, the officiant and a few mandatory witnesses to sign the papers. For once, maybe it's as simple as it should be."

She pushed her sunglasses up, tangling into her hair so he could see her eyes, and tell how serious she was about her proposition. He loved that just as he didn't ask her if she would marry him, she didn't phrase it in a question either. It was a bold statement. And he understood. If Cristina was anything like Mark, she would have been telling Meredith that their vows scribbled onto the creased post-it note weren't legally binding, and that it wasn't the same as the real thing. In that moment- the post-it was what they both needed to gather the strength to pull each other through the day. Although it didn't matter what other people thought, it did matter to do it the way they both wanted, and they both wanted it this way- the only kind of wedding they allow you to drink during the ceremony.

Derek had anticipated this, done secret research to find out the legalities of getting married in the Bahamas, without Meredith knowing.

_Derek hid in a dark corner of a barely used office, researching for his impending 'honeymoon' with Meredith. _

"_Hey Derek…" A deep voice suddenly greeted behind him hands coming down to slap him hard on the shoulders, and Derek jumped in surprise._

"_Jeez Mark! What the hell is your problem?" Derek asked, as he felt the palpitations subside._

_Mark enjoyed seeing his best friend a little less dreamy than everyone thought he was- he knew exactly how Derek worked. It worked every time, and it never got old. "Why are you even hiding out in this dungeon? Don't you have a tiny office you could be working in?" He asked, rolling his chair towards Derek's computer. "Hmm… 'Getting married in the Bahamas- what you require…' Does Meredith know about this?" He smirked, reading the computer screen._

_Derek turned red, knowing Mark had caught him out. "I'm just looking…" He mumbled, hastily closing the webpage. "It doesn't mean anything…" This was why he went to a dungeon of an office, where no one ever updated the computers, and it took ten minutes to load a website. He didn't need people talking about it, or making assumptions. He just was curious._

_Mark laughed at Derek's defensiveness. After knowing each other for thirty years, Mark didn't know why Derek bothered lying anymore. "Whatever. I knew you thought that the post-it wasn't enough."_

_Derek leant back in his chair, crossing his arms defensively. "It was never meant to be THE wedding, just—an interim one. We were waiting for Izzie to get better, and the mets are shrinking…"_

_His friend just shook his head, laughing at Derek. _

"_As if you can talk- you're completing on a house with a backyard the size of Montana for a girl who hasn't even agreed to move in with you." Derek retorted with a satisfied grin, as he saw Mark's expression deflate. "Don't you talk to me about my Grey- yours is the one with commitment issues, mine is over hers."_

Derek couldn't help but feel guilty as he saw Meredith's face fall as they met with the resort's wedding co-ordinator, the cheery smiling face telling them all the documents they'd need for a marriage licence. The happy, contented expression on Meredith's face shattered and fell like shards of glass onto the floor as they were told they'd need Derek's proof of divorce. She looked at him, her hand tightening around his, a resigned slump of her shoulders as she tried to come to terms with the thought that they wouldn't be getting married this time.

Meredith's head spun, and her stomach turned like she'd just been on a rollercoaster- she wouldn't be getting married yet again-the post-it would have to be enough. She cleared her throat, swallowing the lump that was beginning to form. "You know, maybe Mark could fax it to us…" She said quietly, her voice shaking slightly.

"Mer…" Derek whispered. "Please don't get mad at me, but I have something to tell you…"

The pause for breath Derek took felt like an age, and everything went blurry as she felt Derek's hand skim across the plane of her back , resting on her shoulder as his other hand remained tightly nestled in hers. Mad? Mad about what? Tell her what? Nothing good came from Derek's confessions. _'Mer, I have a wife'_ or _'I don't want to breathe for you anymore' _or _'I kissed a nurse today'_

"I brought a copy of my divorce certificate already." The words hit Meredith, and rebounded off of her, like tennis balls hitting a brick wall, but she wasn't quick enough to catch them, and they just got lost in the fog of her mind. "I always wanted to get married to you. Here. Now. I looked up what we'd need for a licence here in the Bahamas and brought it with me, in case you wanted to get married too. But I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to feel like I was forcing you. If the commitment we made that day was enough for you, then it would be enough for me. "

Meredith caught some of those words this time, and seeing him smile through watery eyes made some of that hazy panic lift from her mind. They could still be married. The first thing Meredith could remember clearly was Derek's lips on hers, soft and sweet and comforting.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you and you freaked out." She heard him murmur.

She sighed with him, and smiled at him, her hand slipping down to squeeze his thigh, letting him know she forgave him. "So we're getting married tomorrow- for real? No sick friends, no traumas, just us…" She exhaled in relief.

"Just us." He repeated.

-X-

"I'm ready!" Derek heard Meredith call from the bathroom, the sound of her flip-flops hitting the cool tile floor became louder as she approached.

He turned around, and saw her smile at him as she came to a stop. She looked so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. She wore a simple white summer dress, her hair coming down to frame her face in waves, wearing hardly any make up. Wedding days were supposed to be perfect, when the bride felt like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. And Meredith didn't need to congregations, the family and friends telling her that, just one look from Derek was worth it. It was all about him and her- not about wedding cakes, and food at a reception and morning suits- she loved him just as much in his linen pants and half-buttoned white dress shirt.

They walked along the path hand-in-hand to the small venue on the beach. Meredith got a kick from the simplicity of this wedding- from the lack of planning and the spontaneity. She could see the small pergola they had set up on the beach in the distance, dim figures of people lighting flame torches in anticipation of the sun setting. Derek was walking quickly, eager to get to the beach so they could be married. He had waited so long for this moment, and now it couldn't come fast enough.

"Wait… wait…" Meredith giggled, pulling him back as he tried to pull her forward. She stopped, smiling at him through her lashes as she picked a flower from the landscaping by the path, threading it through the buttonhole of his shirt. "There…" She laughed, kissing his on his lips as she held onto his collar.

Derek couldn't take his eyes off her as they walked the rest of the way to their wedding, wondering how they got to this point. Their arms were around each other as they stepped off the concrete path onto the beach, sinking into the soft sand. They reached the pergola, where they were handed drinks, just like Derek promised, there would be alcohol during the ceremony.

There was no music, only the sound of the waves hitting the shore in a lilting rhythm, no crowd, the only eyes on the bride were the groom's as she sipped at her cocktail, Meredith's eyebrows raising at him in a non descript unimportant question as the rest of her face was hidden behind the glass.

"Mmm… the 'blushing bride' tastes good…" Meredith said, licking her lips as she swallowed the drink, bringing the glass to Derek's lips.

"It's good." Derek nodded in agreement. "Not as good as the real thing though." He winked. "Try my 'something blue'…" She smiled, taking the glass from him. "So… you're 'something borrowing' it, and I hope it's new… what about the 'something old?'"

"My dress isn't new." Meredith shrugged. "It's been hanging in the back of my closet for ages."

The ceremony started, and they recited their vows as the sun lowered over the horizon of the ocean, low and red in the sky. Even in the decreasing light, Derek could still make out every feature that made him fall in love with Meredith even more. The highlights in her hair seemed even more blonde, bleached by the bright sun as it flowed freely into her eyes as she blinked it away, blown by the gentle breeze coming off the water. Her nose was redder, slightly burned, and the freckles on her shoulder a little darker as she tanned. He couldn't wait to kiss every freckle, kiss her nose before it peeled, run his hands through the blonde as she unbuttoned his shirt…he wanted her.

And he could have her, just as she could have him. It was fitting they were celebrating love that had grown through all the difficult times in a moment that seemed so perfect. He wasn't a married attending, and she wasn't a pathetic intern, here, it was much more simple. They were just a couple in love. They recited simple vows, remembering the more personal ones they had made on the small blue square of paper.

_They lay close together, in a mass of limbs as they caught their breaths. Tomorrow they would be married, and even though they had already had a night like this before, they were still met with the sleepless night of excitement and anticipation before their wedding. The marriage licence was safely tucked in the drawer of the desk in their suite, and they were taking advantage of the lack of sleep that night by taking advantage of each other._

_The breeze had become cooler during the night, the thin semi transparent material of the curtains billowing out, as the streaky moonlight reflected on the tile. They had already committed to each other, and yet it felt so different. There wasn't anything to distract them from tomorrow, because it was as simple as they wanted it to be. It was drinks and vows, casual and private with minimal planning, and all they had to do was think._

_Derek's rough stubble grazed Meredith's soft cheek as he nuzzled her affectionately, pulling the sheet up a little over their naked bodies as his hot hand ran over her skin. "What would have happened if we never met that night at Joe's?" Meredith asked quietly._

_His lips lifted off hers, and he propped himself up on his elbow, just able to make out her features as dim shadows as he found the specks of green in her eyes. "I'd have seen you the first day of work, you'd have worked out the answer to the teen beauty queen case and I'd have fallen in love with you anyway." He said in a confident honesty._

"_You're saying us being here is fate? That it would have happened anyway?" Meredith questioned him. It wasn't a scepticism or disbelief, there was a tinge of vulnerability in her voice even she didn't know where it came from._

"_Right now, I feel like I've known you forever. I know I had a life before you- but it's like a distant dream, and sometimes I forget that you weren't there in it." Derek whispered, running his hand through her hair, his thumb brushing against the slight perspiration at her temple. "And in our darkest moments, the truth is that I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat despite the pain of those moments, because look at where we are…" _

_His hand traced lower down, sweeping across her belly in one easy motion, slipping lower and lower, before Meredith lost coherent thought as his lips found sweet spots on her neck. Maybe their love was some kind of predestination, that no matter what happened to them, they were supposed to end up here. In the times when they forgot how much they loved each other, they'd wait it out until that moment, that sparkling moment when they remembered why again. It wasn't about some scorecard of who did what to whom and what was worse- it was all unimportant now in that moment. _

There were no morning suits, no restrictive dresses, and no rings, they recited vows in the sunset, cocktails in hand as they sealed their marriage in a kiss. Meredith smiled triumphantly as they signed the certificate, officially husband and wife. She didn't have to spend another day not married to Derek. She had made a commitment that she trusted him to make decisions for her when she couldn't, and to do the same for him. She promised him to try harder than she had before. Tomorrow could come, and fate could deliver whatever was written, and she wouldn't have any regrets.

"_Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in because this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."_

_**I tasted, tasted love so sweet  
And all of it was lost on me  
Bought and sold like property  
Sugar on my tongue**_

I kept falling over  
I kept looking backward  
I went broke believing  
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are  
All we are we are  
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you  
Trading out for something new  
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose  
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are  
All we are we are  
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter  
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same  
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are  
All we are we are  
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real.

_Matt Nathanson- All we are._


End file.
